“Cool Dad Raising Daughter on Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out of Touch With Her Generation,” from The Onion and via Fratguy:
Campbell said he has also been vigilant in ensuring Emma develops an increased familiarity with timeless classic films, a parenting strategy that will inevitably hobble her as she attempts to achieve individuation while negotiating an adolescence heavily influenced by the very latest pop culture.
Since her early childhood, a period sources said featured a Danger Mouse–themed birthday party that utterly baffled the assembled 6-year-old guests, Campbell’s daughter has been fed a steady diet of marginalizing cinematic masterpieces from the world’s very best filmmakers.
“Jean-Luc Godard, Stanley Kubrick, Billy Wilder—you simply need to know who these men are if you want to call yourself culturally literate,” Campbell said of the three iconic directors whose creations could not have less utility to his daughter as she searches for a way to achieve a sense of belonging among her fellow middle-schoolers. “Sure, she makes a face when I don’t let her see some ridiculous movie with CGI robots because it’s John Sayles Night and we’re watching The Secret Of Roan Inish instead. But I’m giving her a leg up, even if she doesn’t know it.”
“I’m not unreasonable about this,” Campbell added. “If she doesn’t want to watch Harold Lloyd shorts tonight, that’s no problem. We still have another five or six Prisoner episodes to get through.”
Insisting he understood the important role entertainment media plays in the life of a sixth-grader, Campbell reportedly bought his daughter the Alice Cooper album Billion Dollar Babies on the grounds that the Adam Lambert CD she had begged for—and that all the girls at school had received—was not even a fraction as good as the 1973 masterpiece.
Just read it and weep, dorks. At least your parents let you alienate most of your own peers with your endless talk of hit points, twelve-sided dice, and hatchet-wielding dwarves. You’re all old enough to get this song, finally. My God, what have you done?